Hedonist Femcel
I didn’t know what I was doing. All I knew was that it felt good.
Was I chasing it or was it chasing me? I can’t be sure that we weren’t going around in circles chasing each other.
I recall images of swirled melted butter that I saw when spinning too fast in the tire swing in Tompkins, just a wee little baby I was, and I didn’t know a thing in this world, about what it felt to chase or be chased, and all I knew was what it felt to be dizzy and I was feeling it, maybe for the first time.
We went so fast that we melted into a pot of butter ourselves.
I am no longer little and the playground is different and the tire swing is gone.
A voice called me forward, an open palm reached out, and it was inviting, and vice became my life.
I wear red lipstick and red nail polish and red dresses.
On the outside, I ask, I’m not asking, please to pump me full of pleasure please. Whatever you’ve got and fill me with what ever I’m not and then keep going and here is where I am, catching me, going keeping because never will that ever be enough for ever.
She is covered in pearls in clawfoot bathtums surrounded by empty bottles. Call me Lanita Evita Helenita Cleolita Marilyn Janis Amy Whitney Zelda Holly Anita…
I am her so she can be, and she was so there is me, and so we are.
How am I to live without my pleasure, my goodness? Can’t I feel good and then some so that I feel great, so that I feel greater than great and still more good?
Habitualize the habits! Forget to feel what wasn’t unfeeling, only true feeling is dulled by fake feeling good. Until pleasure covers my pain. Until pain don’t recognize pain. Until the lump in my throat pushes down, and down, and take root in my stomach and blossom out of my mouth. And my head is thrown back, my mouth open wide, my teeth in a perfect row of piano keys, my flower grows and the petals are soft pink velvet sex.
All a girl wants is to be bad.
Go, go, go, until it is all gone.
Be a bad bad girl.
It is summer, a hot, hot, steamy hot hot summer, and it’s a sauna and saunas are hot and steamy and sexy. It’s sexy it’s sensual. It’s sexually sensual, sensually sexual, so I will have sex that is only and explicitly sensual. I am Roman. I eat fruit lying down I am Summer I am Bacchus hear me where there is no wind.
Bad girls are good now good girl.
Stare back at me my dead eyes mirror of my empty soul.
And my longing hollows me, holes me.
I am shell I whisper stifles my yell.
It is my last, and my last, and then finally, there is no choice for that last to be the last. Years have since passed.
And that kid I knew is dead now. And I can’t smoke without smelling it now. I can’t go back to the feeling anyhow.